fRIeNDs - pArT 2

For me, friendship is one of the biggest and most common subjects that I post, tweet, and blog about it. Some might call it an obsession but I wouldn't go that far. Being an published author, I probably should write a book about it. (It's gonna happen!) I find its subtle threads throughout every significant area of my life for nearly a half a century. I saw in my struggles growing up in the inner city. I saw it played out in the television programs and the movies I loved to watch. I saw it in my personal circles back then and even in my professional circles now. It's even in the Bible that I love to read and believe in so much. It is the inescapable and unavoidable fact. The specter of friendship looms large everywhere and for reasons I am not sure of myself, it is a hugely important area for me. I hold it in extremely high regard and it's not because I was the best friend in the world. (To be totally candid, many of my old friends from the old neighborhood and through high school might say that I was the best example of a friend they ever knew. Many of them are still connected with me now and seem to appreciate my contribution to their lives even after 20 years)

In my opinion, I think I could have been much better. I don't have any specific regrets that jump out and scream, "Dude, you screwed up!" I learned something powerful just in thinking about this second installment of this blog. I think I learned what drives me to be the best friend I can be. In today's times, friendship seems to slowly fade far into the background of the big picture of life. People fight over the opposite sex, have blowouts based on a misinterpreted text, or just take each other for granted and find themselves alone and missing what is now lost. One of the greatest sitcoms of all time was about "Friends" and it was wildly popular in the 90's. I don't know if it accurately reflected the situations we all went through but it had all the right stuff to remind us of the challenges of friendship and what happens to us in every day life. Just with a comedic twist. I bet we have stories that are even more entertaining. I know I do.

Loyalty was a big deal in my upbringing. I was the son of a single mother and career woman from the US Virgin Islands. I would venture to say that culturally, she was taught loyalty and respect as this seemed to be a code that was prevalent where she was from. Being born and raised in a place like New York City had a similar code and it was sternly upheld. Being disloyal and untrustworthy was practically and literally a death sentence where I came from. I don't know if these two instances alone were the sole reason I feel like I do about the subject but I'm sure it played a major role.

I had two sets of roommates twice in my life back in my hometown. In one of those scenarios, my two friends, both with paying jobs, declined helping or contributing to the household needs like rent, lights, or food and it would be problematic on the rare occasion that they did so. They had really nice clothes and tennis shoes though and took their girlfriends out very often. We were in a very townhouse in an area of New York City that shall remain unnamed and I made sure all the bills were paid for nearly two years. I cooked all the meals when there were meals to be cooked. I stopped short of doing laundry and only cleaning common areas, leaving the rooms to my roommates. We all dropped the ball on the landscaping responsibilities. We, for the most part, were individuals trying to live together in one house. My failings in this example are primarily because I saw or interpreted friendship when this was no more than a business arrangement. Early in that relationship, I thought I was being a friend by continuing to maintain the dynamic as is since my changing things would dramatically affect their lives. LOL. It's funny now but back then it was a struggle. Most of you reading this probably think I was a fool and you would run those free-loading bums out on the next thing smoking! I eventually did that with some really entertaining, high energy, and full blown dramatic results! Just like a sitcom, huh? I thought being a friend meant staying in that bad situation. It was revealed in crystal clarity that this was no more than a business relationship when I decided that I refused to continue the arrangement and withheld all of my financial support and move out of the townhouse. I was attacked, lambasted, intimidated, threatened, and perhaps even bullied but to my credit, I stood my ground and exited a bad situation in an attempt to get my life and individuality back.

(On an unrelated note, I re-entered that same situation in a different city, exhibiting some of the same short sighted behavior that got me into that mess back then. I am free from those unhealthy attachments and have fully learned my lessons. Yay!)

Honestly, can you really be a best friend if you are incapable of telling your best friend the truth no matter what the reaction is?

I was completely surprised how my "friends" responded when I told them I would no longer be their "Sugar Daddy" and primary means of financial and moral support. They were mean, hateful, vile, and selfish. Did they just become that way in an instant or were they always like that and I was oblivious?

Can you really be a best friend to anyone if the terms of your relationship is more important than the individual needs and well being of the friend?

The best friends don't steal from you. They don't forget your birthday. They don't try to steal your boyfriend or girlfriend because they respect the boundaries and they care about your welfare. They don't watch you destroy yourself so they can profit from it. They don't say they care about and love you but make excuses for wanting to spend time with you. They love you as much as they love themselves just like Jonathan loved David (See Friends Part 1). You might have that person in your life right now. Or you might have a counterfeit like I did and many of us have. This topic has so many layers but let me leave you with this small evaluation tool from I Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) that I love to use for perspective. Hope it hits the spot.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails........."