A friend of mines that I have known since 4th grade was sick almost simultaneously and in our commiserating with each other a few days ago, we came to a shared enlightenment. Times where you are at your lowest are when you discover who is really with you in life. You know? Who your friends truly are. If you wonder why I find this topic so necessary to discuss, I'd love for you to read my two part installment on MTWM entitled "Friends". It will give you a little background into my history and why this topic is so vital not just to me but to us. He was pretty upset about his physical condition and he happened across some of my posts at the time. I am not a whiny person when I get sick nor do I require constant attention and care. I do, however, think way more than I should. Some thoughts good, some not so good. I've been out of work and away from much human interaction for nearly two weeks and it makes you feel quarantined. I guess in my specific case, I was that. I was contagious for a week and no one needed to be exposed to what I had going on. That was understandable to me if people knew what I was dealing with. I didn't post about my medical condition nor did I talk to a lot of people about my situation. I'm not big on posting onto social media every meal, every location I go to, or everything that goes right or wrong in my life. The only people that knew were my wife, my mother, and a few friends that either saw me sick or texted me to check on me and I shared it with them. That's normally how it is, right?
Or not. Sitting like a lukewarm pile of humanity for hour after hour is a lot of time to start thinking about and evaluating your life. There are times on the one or two days that I was actually able to sleep more than 2 hours that I thought I was going to die in my sleep. I would jump, choking and struggling to breathe and turn and look at my wife who is sleeping so calm and comfortable and I realize instantly how much of a gift it is to rest well and sleep at peace during the night. It should not be taken for granted. I brooded and wondered what happened to all the people whose lives I sowed into, and to whose troubles I would listen to for hours at a time, or the people who knew me personally as a minister or as a life coach, or just the people that I gave the shirt off my back to. When I inevitably see them at work or in some other setting, they'll be the first to say something like:
"Hey! I haven't seen you in forever!"
"Where you been at? On vacation?"
"Why haven't you called me?"
I dread going back to work just so I don't have to hear that. Why? It's annoying only because our view of friendship is often selfish and self-serving. I can think of a handful of people right now. I'm helpful to these types only as long as I listen to them cry and whine about their hard lives and how much they hate their jobs. I have to also pretend to not be their good friends when they're in the company of more important people. I'm also supposed to tell them when I'm sick even if we don't normally talk more than a couple times a month or they will be annoyed with me. I'm also obligated to come and find them in order to stay engaged. Well, my legs are tired and honestly, it's a travesty that it took me this long to see some of these people for what they truly are. They're takers. They are incapable of giving unless there's a possibility of a sizable return. I haven't been close to being at my best but I grew up during this "down" time.
I'm not blogging today so you can hear me complain about so called friends. My life long buddy said "I didn't realize how many friends I had till I got sick last week."
That's such a strange statement by itself except it's true. Painfully true. I got a lot of friends and acquaintances that wouldn't know what I was dealing with so no shade being cast on them. I can't blame them for not being present during one of the worst spells of my life in recent times. It's the ones that know me more intimately -- the ones that I am still giving to. That's harder to understand.
The one thing I want from doing this blog is to be honest and transparent while still dealing with issues that matter to other people. I wanted to put a light on those things and still do something I love more than most anything: write. I was a little depressed because I rehearsed all the glowing remarks, glad tidings, adulations, and every other flowery word I heard and now I question it. I question all of them. I question every single word. I thank the Lord for my beautiful wife, who has proven herself to be my best friend. She didn't talk about it though. She showed it with her lifestyle and with her actions without any expectation of return. She is a shining example of what a friend is supposed to look like. I'm grateful for her.
My friend's assessment was spot on though. You don't know what you have in a friend until you face the worst times. I still endeavor to be the best friend that I can be to whomever wants that kind of support. I just have to realize that everybody doesn't want what I have or know what to do with it when they have access to it.
Life's challenges will illuminate what is genuine and what is less than authentic in our lives. Actually, it's good to be grateful for these bad times too so we can be "enlightened". Would you know that a housing development has been poorly constructed if it wasn't for the storm that exposed it? My good friend was right. In a day or two, I'll be grateful that he was right. At this moment, I wish he was wrong. If you are one of those folks that are genuine friends to another person, then keep giving, sharing, and supporting. Even if it is not reciprocated, you're still doing it right and you'll be blessed as a result. If you're the other type that just sees "friends" as commodities, or you are so broken that you'd sooner hurt someone before they inevitably hurt you, you're in the wrong head space too.
Despite my brooding, I am still committed to being the kind of friend to others that I would want for myself. I just see circumstances and certain people in a different light. I'll be gregarious and accommodating like always but deep down, I will know that everyone that smiles in my face and calls me friend doesn't see me as vital and important and worthy of the effort necessary to build a friendship. This little mini storm in my life has exposed some areas in me that are poorly constructed and I'm committed to the rebuilding process. That's my takeaway. What's yours? Thanks for listening. Sincerely. Thank you.
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